This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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