Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
