I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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