highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
