so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
