i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
