no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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