We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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