just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
