So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
