I like my sex mixed with concussions.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
