I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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