I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
