my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
