Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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