i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
