shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
