So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
