Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
