i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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