areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
