Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
you had me at cake vodka
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
