Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
