we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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