Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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