So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
In other news, I just burned my penis
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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