see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
