Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
