we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
