i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
