Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
