I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
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