It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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