I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
