the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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