GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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