that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
