I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
