it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
