It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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