No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
