If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
