I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
