Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
