im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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