Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize