The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
