alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
so let's talk penis.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
