i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Holy sore nipples Batman
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
