Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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