listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
