i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
