I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize