So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
P.S. I can't hear my feet
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
