You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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