Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
