I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
My penis needs a shock collar
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
