i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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