I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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