I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize