sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
